Brother Lupo's field guide to Bad Area females (updated 2008 edition -now with ethnic stereotypes!)
I originally wrote this back in 2003 or 2004 or so. Since then, I got a haircut, a Ph.D. and put on 40lbs of muscle, but the women are more or less the same. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental & etc. These are eigenvectors of Bay Area female-ness I end up dating, most are linear combinations. New and improved and now with more categories, and a handy ethnic decoder ring!
So, for those of you who have not sampled the local color as extensively, a helpful field guide for you.
Dirty Burning Man Girl Advantages: I'm getting laid on the first date, because I was a Black Rock Ranger, and Rangers are hawt donchaknow! Disadvantages: Bad clothes. I have to talk to her. Disease vector. Also: Burning Man. Haunts: Burning Man, Burning Man parties, Burning Man fundraisers, anywhere you see a pink feather boa that isn't adorning a transsexual
The jock chick Advantages: she has the abdomen of achilles, and the stamina to go with it; can understand why power cleans are friggin' way neat. Disadvantages: she's really only dating me because she has a crush on the hot chick she saw with me a year ago; wears a lot of flannel when she's not at the gym. Haunts: the gym, the park, the grocery store ("don't ask me why, but true" -I guess other kinds of females who aren't spheres don't eat unless I buy them food)
The Biological Time Bomb Advantages: In my age demographic, so I can talk to her. Disadvantages: Geeez, um, if I'm gonna be a dad, I'd like to know the potential mom first, rather than immediately fertilizing her eggs 'cuz she's worried they'll go stale soon. Haunts: Anywhere north of 28
"yaaargh, noooooo!!!!!"
The Urban Sophisticate Advantages: Reasonably interesting to talk to for a while. Unlikely to drink my beer. Disadvantages: Thinks the word "fun" is unsophisticated, watches "Sex and the City," probably fakes her orgasms, has "correct" opinions on most things, goes to a therapist: probably wants to be one if she isn't already. Haunts: wine bars, in the waiting room for her therapist
Little Miss Anger Advantages: um .... easy to spot the giant chip on her shoulder? angry sex? Possible candidate for threesomes? Disadvantages: Hates men -not in an abstract "feminist" way, but in a visceral, "daddy is a bad man," kind of way. She might seem very ordinary and nice until you menace her with a potentially tumescent meat popsicle. Haunts: America
The Drunk Advantages: More fun than any of my beer buddies, plus, hot drunken sex after the bar closes Disadvantages: insanity, cirhossis of the liver, hangovers, and drunken sex is not so fun after a while, really Haunts: duh, bars, liquor stores, sleeping it off in a ditch
"Drunk girls rule"
LA Girl Advantages: Stylish and looks pretty good nekkid. Disadvantages: Might have fake tits. Definitely has herpes. Haunts: LA, the shopping area of the financial district, somewhere fashionable
Ms. You Can AND WILL Change Advantages: will organize my life perfectly; bills on time, car washed weekly, nails trimmed, suits brought to the cleaners, and I'll finally finish that paper on quantum chromodynamics I've been meaning to do. Easily spotted via the task list and 5 year plan she hands you on the first date. Disadvantages: it's sorta like being in a relationship with your high school principal, except it isn't at all as kinky as that sounded. Haunts: your apartment, telling you to get your shit together.
The Leftist Nun (they don't make the other kind in SFO, but I don't think much of them either) Advantages: Will make me eat all kinds of weird vegetarian food I never heard of before, and weird parties I'd never otherwise be invited to. Disadvantages: hairy arm pytts, hates me because I have a penis and do not come from a fashionable victim group (kind of like Daddy), is rather like a real nun in appearance and affect, minus the cool penguin outfit and yardstick kung-fu super-powers, not to mention, see "advantages" Haunts: Berkeley, group actions, gardens, organic food events
"Wow, fun"
The Graduate Student Advantages: can have a conversation about Kierkegard and Wolfgang Pauli. Lives her life according to the tenets of the philosophers. Disadvantages: The philosophers are all Frenchmen, she has never worked a day in her life, and she's kind of an intellectually insecure bore, really. Haunts: school, coffee houses, library
The Princess Advantages: oddly sane, since we live in a consumerist society and she had a good relationship with her dad; plus, she's fun to go shopping with; huzzah! Disadvantages: I'm not a millionaire, and never will be if I hang around this one too much. Haunts: shopping area of the financial district, daddy's house
The Nerd Girl Advantages: will help me debug my code. If you're an engineer or scientist, she will actually admire you for sensible reasons. Disadvantages: May be mistaken for a lesbian by your friends. Either autistic or OCD which means she was a stalker before you dated her, and probably will be afterwords. Haunts: Behind a computer, probably reading this
Drama Whore Advantages: unlike most people in the bay area, she's passionate about something. Disadvantages: she's passionate about everything, and most of it is trivial and dumb, like the fact that the mailman won't leave the mail in just the way she likes it, or the fact that her boss didn't smile at her today, so you know she's gonna get fired. Haunts: at home, watching craziness on television, or talking on the phone with her crazy friends
The Sphere Advantages: will keep you warm in the winter, can be rendered for her oil to power the ole hoopty in the event of another energy crisis, and if you put a string on her, all the cute little kids will think you have a balloon. Disadvantages: will order a salad for dinner, then wolf down a box of doughnuts when you're not looking, is probably mentally ill, and, like, you might die of asphyxiation if she rolls over on you. Haunts: donut shops, buffets, playing World of Warcraft, making eyes at you at closing time at the pickup joint
Little Miss There's A Party In My Pants Advantages: I'm getting laid on the first date. Disadvantages: So are all my friends, plus, she's frigid. Haunts: sex clubs, personals ads, Larkin avenue
"You can tell they really like each other:not!"
The tortured artist Advantages: will dress really interestingly, plus, like, she's talented and interesting and stuff: plus, hot monkey sex. Disadvantages: will write bad poetry about our relationship, and expect me to read it -may kill herself if I break up with her. And she's kinda the drama queen, really. Haunts: Artist supply stores, Art galleries, in her brothe^H^H^H um, "Art Studio"
The cheating housewife Advantages: in her sexual prime, wants to have a lot of hot but safe nookie, fewer accidental pregnancy worries, plus, men in the bay area typically do not own firearms and are a bunch of pussies, making these women relatively safe to 'date.' Disadvantages: it's shallow, soulless, immoral (but, like most immoral things, damned fun), and I might eventually meet one whose husband who has a gun. Haunts: online personals, her husband's house, the back seat of my car
The witch Advantages: will put a hex on your annoying coworkers, smells real nice, good at sex Disadvantages: will bug you for scientific explanations for all the fru-fru silly crap she believes in, either wants to run around nekkid outside (thus, poison ivy and sunburn in weird places) or may have hepatitis from drinking her ex boyfriend's blood (depending on the variant), not much fun to talk to. Also: I'm allergic to her cat. Haunts: occult bookstores, gothic nightclubs, renfaire
Handy abbreviated, though astoundingly complete ethnic decoder ring
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lupoleboucher) wrote,
