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tv

Spy movies white people like
I finally saw one of the Bourne movies during my annual holiday parental TV festival. My impression?

"(Bourne) doesn't have the support of gadgets, and he feels guilty for what he's done"-Matt Damon

Some broad I used to date once excitedly compared me to this dimwitted, ill dressed, self doubting ogre after she saw one of the movies. Now that I've finally watched Bourne in action I wish I'd kicked the bitch to the curb earlier. Bourne is a silly ape, a gaseous angsty twerp: he has no style, doesn't kill people with any panache, and his villains, instead of being interesting foreign weirdoes are equally unlikely bores; the type of villain who exists in the imagination of every left leaning dingbat who thinks the CIA killed Kennedy. His showy use of foreign language phrases is soooo "stuff white people like" as to be self-parodying. Bond never bothered, as he was too busy doing interesting stuff like porking foreign women. Bourne's girlfriend (who mercifully dies) is a lantern jawed styleless mutt face who he can't get over, his boss and tech support people are chicks: another leftist fantasy. His whole raison de etre is "a journey of self discovery" and rebelling against the establishment -which is about as bad a leftie stereotype as exists under the sun. His "emotional depth" consists of feeling sorry for himself and looking vaguely pained. Bourne is a modern American single woman's fantasy of what a man should be like: a slobby murderous thug with a squishy perfectable inner center and monogamous tendencies who needs women to run his life. Bourne is a guilty white person's version of Tupac Shakur. He even spends a lot of time in stolen cars.



His "complicated" issues about feeling guilty about killing people don't make him intriguing (unless you have a grade school model of human psychology); they make him look like an idiot. Killing without guilt is pretty much a science at this point -so the fact that dipshit hasn't read Grossman's book pretty much means he fails at being a spy. The plot is preposterously female: it's a chase movie. No man worthy of his Y chromosome will be chased; men stand and fight, or stand aside and evade using wu-wei -that's the nature of man. Only women fantasize about being chased. Bourne is essentially a dimwitted large woman with a dick; a sloppy urban female fantasy of what a man is like, sort of like how a playboy centerfold is a male fantasy of what women are like. I have nothing against female action movies; I liked Femme Nikita and Chasing Lola quite a lot. I have a lot against casting a man in a completely female role and holding him up to be some exemplar of masculinity, rather than a feeble ninny with gender dysmorphia.



"(Bond is) an imperialist and he’s a misogynist. He kills people and laughs and sips martinis and wisecracks about it,”-Matt Damon, apparently not understanding why Bond is cooler than Bourne.

The overall effect of the Bourne movies was a laugh riot. Anxious CIA officials saying, "ooo noes, he is a badass killer and we all tremble in our rubber soled hush puppies at him!" I couldn't identify with anybody; I could only laugh at everyone's clown like antics. Inspector Clouseau is far more convincing as an ace spy than Bourne. He was more of a badass Clouseau got hotter chicks in bed, he was more resourceful and far more competent. Clouseau is a bumbler and a fool, but compared to Bourne he carries himself with panache and manly virtue. He wears proper manly clothing and knows how to unload proper manly whoop ass. Clouseau also understood (as did Bond and all the other competent spies of fiction) that the ultimate weapon was the power of the mind. Bourne is a frightened ding dong who doesn't know how to avoid a fight. Both characters are funny, but one of them is trying to make us laugh; the other is just laughable.



Also; a woman would have been better than Daniel Craig as Bond.